Adolfo Fidel Chavez IV (Big Brother) and Paola Isabel Chavez (Little Sister)

Adolfo Fidel Chavez IV (Big Brother) and Paola Isabel Chavez (Little Sister)
Originally uploaded by killy.

carolina
i wasn't sure what to expect
but again was dealing with a strange sense of
what's the appropriate word
loss is not it
but something similar
something sad and private
when i checked in
killy was gnawingly nervous and excited - my mother was dutiful - my mother-in-law was electric with anticipation
and there i was - sort of forlorn and sort of reverential (???)
in any case
checked in
and taken through every step of registration, admission and prepping quickly and without any problems
the anesthesiologist was very nice - talkative, not overly friendly nor inapporpriately personal - simply a genuinely nice guy - competent, knowledgeable and warm - and quite tall too - he and killy started talking camera - my nurse was named poppy - and she looked like one too - teeny, delicate and sweet with the most straightforward gaze i've come across - it made me aware of how much her surgery mask hides from view - and it made me wonder if with that strong gaze she could see the mysterious sadness i felt - maybe she could tell me what it was
i was splayed flat on a table bed
killy was placed to my right amid wires and guages and beeping machines
i couldn't feel a thing
everyone was smiling
so was i
it was my auto-response to strange situations - try to make everyone comfortable - smiling ensures everyone that i am ok and do not require any special attention
i took a personality test once - my main color was yellow in conflict - i tend to become friendlier in difficult situations in order to avoid conflict
so there i was - smiling a bright yellow smile - trying clearly toidentify and place each and every emotion that was ricocheting all around inside of me
anesthesiologist told killy - twice - stand up stand up and look
he pulled down the blue curtain and killy stood up
he had a full view of the doctors actually pulling her out of me
and he got those shots too
and then i heard her
and all i could see was blue and killy's chin under his camera
and tears welled up in my eyes
then killy was sitting again and i looked over at him - he was crying too - soft deep personal sobs - almost not even there they were so quiet
then killy whispered
carol look
carol look
the curtain was pulled down lower - i stretched my neck to look aover the top
and there she was
they let me look at her
and i couldn't see anymore
there were too many tears

i was aware of an emptiness

i held her while they sewed me up

when adolfo came into the room later - he was wearing his school uniform - i'd made careful arrangments for mamalynda to be the one holding paola so that adolfo wouldn't freak out - i didn't know what to expect

he walked straight towards her in his grandmother's lap - he didn't even notice i was in the room - he approached her and said something like
there's paola my little sister isn't she beautiful
and he rubbed her head

all my sad feelings disappeared

here is my son holding his little sister and here is my beautiful daughter - together in this world

everything is complete